The 2013 Oscars – A Revue

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I missed the first hour and a half (so basically the first two categories) due to Joel McHale and my shame that I only saw one Oscar-nominated film this year (worst film major EVER, I know), but I seen’t enough. It’s 1:57 AM, I have homework to do still and paragraphs will just make me angry, so here’s a list of stream-of-consciousness regarding the 85th Academy Awards (oh sorry, it’s been officially rebranded “The Oscars,” like okay):

*Goddamn, that was a long-ass ceremony. Bless Seth MacFarlane for making it easier. He is the funniest man…when he isn’t making shit like The Cleveland Show…and soooo nice to look at. 😀 Dat smile.

*Jean Dujardin is basically the French Antonio Banderas and I thoroughly approve.

*Jennifer Lawrence was created in a lab to fool all of us into thinking that she is just like us with quirks and a great sense of humor and no equilibrium whatsoever to make it seem like she’s on our level except I have an Oscar for Best Actress and a Golden Globe in the same year oh heyyyyy. Seriously, as soon as she won, I fucking KNEW something was going to happen: speech flub, tripping somewhere…o hai, staircase! Props to Jean Prince Charming Wolverine Valjean for being there, too.

*Don’t get me wrong, I love me some JLaw, but…her flaws are too perfect. I’m just so afraid that it’s all a huge PR stunt and that she isn’t real…the entertainment industry has jaded me prematurely and permanently.

*THANKS FOR REMINDING ME THAT MERMAID MAN AND CHARLES DURNING DIED. If they had shown a still of MM for Ernest Borgnine during the Memoriam, I would have fallen over dead. Seriously.

*Get the fuck off my screen, Barbra Streisand. You are the worst.

*ADELE. Sweet, lovely, brilliant Adele. You are too precious for this earth.
Kristen Stewart obviously found her bong backstage, but not a hairbrush. Jesus, KStew, get it together. You’re rivaling Tyrone here.

*Having the First Lady present the winner for Best Picture was nifty, but her speech was so generic and honestly, we’re going into hour four of the ceremonies and God himself could not have delivered anything interesting at that point.

*QUENTIN GODDAMN BAD ASS MOTHER FUCKER HEAD BITCH IN CHARGE TARANTINO. I LOVE YOU, BABY. NEVER, EVER CHANGE. I AM SO PROUD OF YOU AND SO EXCITED TO EVENTUALLY MARRY YOU.

*“This is the year for writers, man.” A to the men, though.

*Christoph Waltz takes the award for Best Supporting Actor, no surprises there, so proud of you too bb.

*I want Joaquin Phoenix’s face when they cut to him after they showed the clip from The Master forever etched into my brain. His hatred for the Academy and their bullshit is so thick and rich I could make 900 hate sandwiches out of it.

*Soooooo many potential gifs came out of this ceremony. Here’s looking at you, Tumblr. That J-Law stair-trip set came out like 30 seconds after it happened live and it already has like 90,000 notes. Ah, the power of Internet.

*I still need to see Argo, so I can’t make head or tail of their Best Picture win. Ben Affleck’s speech was kinda adorkable, though, so I think we can let go of Gigli now.

*I just wanted to give Ang Lee a big hug. :3

*I was so proud of Meryl Streep for being able to open her damn envelope without making it seem like she was dismantling a bomb. Sit the fuck down, plebes. The Mistress of Everything is in the hizouse.

*If Jack Nicholson weren’t Jack Nicholson, he would’ve been in jail for 20 years already for first degree creep factor. Eesh.

*We missed you, Leonardio DiCaprio, but we can’t say that we blame you. Make sure you get Joaquin Phoenix on speed dial, if you haven’t already.

*Daniel Day-Lewis winning Best Actor was okay, I guess. He makes like one movie every 10 years and wins all the awards every time, so I…don’t really feel anything about this. There’s a bullet wasted [insert Lincoln joke here]. Classy dude, though.

*It was nice of Norah Jones to leave her apartment in downtown Obscurity to sing part of the song from Ted. Always liked her.

*I’d like to personally thank all major and minor deities for not allowing Les Miserables to win Best Picture. Excellent cast, okay sets, but the shittiest cinematography. Holy long shot closeups, Batman! Oh god, how I loathed it.

*Charlize Theron is so tall and Dustin Hoffman is so short. Wow.

*Hi, Kristen Chenoweth! Stay awesome.
 
That’s about it. I’m glad I got to see the parts that I did see and I’m glad that I live in a time where I can catch the parts I didn’t…not that I’m going to. But it’s an option, which rules! THE FUTURE IS NOW, PEOPLE.

Lemme see what you got in 2013 for me, film world.


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